I keep reading that one should forgive and forget in order to be a true Christian.
I feel I am a truly wonderful and good person, BUT, I find somethings impossible to forgive let alone forget.
I am a survivor of a very abusive childhood and young adulthood.
The person who was supposed to be my dad died when I was 15. I can't remember exactly how many days after he died, my Mom told me that he was not my biological dad.
Wow What A Relief ! or was it.
After some years my daughter tracked this person down and made contact with him.
From what I understand there was some questioning about the timing of my birth and my Mom being married to someone else.
She had been separated for a while and believe me she knew for fact Who Was My Daddy !
It's amazing how some men can forget certain facts.
Oh, but of course...men don't ususally think with their brains or hearts...they think with their organ below the waist area...if you know what I mean.
So now back to this brief re-encounter, my Mom was struck by a bus and in a coma for 31 days before she died.
She always spoke of this person with love in her heart...we tried to talk him in to coming to the hospital to see if maybe he could maybe give her a spark of life...yes we knew it was a long shot, but what the heck.
Well it turns out his brother, a minister, came to the hospital to pray with my Mom, but my biological sperm donor couldn't take the time.
Why am I not surprised.
Turns out this guy is a supposedly Christian guy and a minister to boot !!!
He has all this info on my grief and still does not want to comfort me in our hour of need...what kind of God does he pray to or for?
AND I ran across an article he wrote in 2006 (keep in mind we contacted him in 1997 about his alleged fatherhood status) YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS...
EddyWayneMay2006
I don't get it...is he that stupid and making like an ostrich and have his head in the sand?
His wife unexpectedly passed away very recently. Can you believe I actually felt sorrow for this guy.
You tell me, am I supposed to just forgive and forget ?
Eddy and his wife made the statement that "God Forgives All". Well, excuse me, BUT I AM NOT GOD !!!!!
I did not nor do not want anything more than just to meet with this person...he doesn't even give me the time of day...Real Nice Guy HUH !!!! What a hypocrit !
My Feelings Just Are !
They are mine and they are real and they are soooooo hurtful and sad.
So how does one forgive and forget in this situation !?
Still chuggin' along, one day at a time.
God Bless
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Just Can't Do Enough
Oh My Yes! That felt So Good !
I did something nice for someone.
Didn't have to, but I did.
NOW They want MORE !
But you already knew that ...didn't you.
You cook, you clean, you wipe their noses, get them an aspirin, always on call for last minute emergencies...anything and everything you can possibly be or do...you do.
Yah just can't do ENOUGH !
Why Why Why !!!!!!!!
I did something nice for someone.
Didn't have to, but I did.
NOW They want MORE !
But you already knew that ...didn't you.
You cook, you clean, you wipe their noses, get them an aspirin, always on call for last minute emergencies...anything and everything you can possibly be or do...you do.
Yah just can't do ENOUGH !
Why Why Why !!!!!!!!
Ever Feel Like Something Does Not Fit Right?
My daughter went through this rough phase when she was little where nothing "felt right" The seam inside her socks, the tightness of her shoelaces, or even her pigtails. It was awful. I felt so bad for her. It was hard not to get frustrated with her, but I understood it a little, because I went through it somewhat when I was little. Now her daughter is starting to go through the same thing. You would think having been through it myself, and going through it with my daughter that I would know what to do, but I am at a loss. I see my daughter struggling to get through to her daughter, trying to help her, and neither of us can really do anything for my granddaughter. I know she will grow out of it, but I wish I could just make it go away, for my granddaughter AND my daughter's sake.
The feeling you get inside is worse than getting a sticky sucker or maple syrup on you and you are so frustrated and can't get it off no matter how hard you try. It's like static electricity courses thru every ICKY nerve you have in your body and you can't stop it...UUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Talk about an anxiety attack !!!!
It's like your brain short circuits and your skin and brain S C R E A M at the same time and you don't know which to fix first...that eerie feeling of "something isn't quite right" is a battle of mind over matter...but how to get there to correct it.
Have you ever had this problem of too sensitive to touch ? ANY suggestions on how to deal with it?
Only those who have gone or go thru this feeling KNOW what I am talking about.
PULEEEEZE...any help at all?
Looking forward to all comments and assistance.
Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for comments and suggestions.
Til Next Time,
Twitchy and wiggling in Ohio
The feeling you get inside is worse than getting a sticky sucker or maple syrup on you and you are so frustrated and can't get it off no matter how hard you try. It's like static electricity courses thru every ICKY nerve you have in your body and you can't stop it...UUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Talk about an anxiety attack !!!!
It's like your brain short circuits and your skin and brain S C R E A M at the same time and you don't know which to fix first...that eerie feeling of "something isn't quite right" is a battle of mind over matter...but how to get there to correct it.
Have you ever had this problem of too sensitive to touch ? ANY suggestions on how to deal with it?
Only those who have gone or go thru this feeling KNOW what I am talking about.
PULEEEEZE...any help at all?
Looking forward to all comments and assistance.
Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for comments and suggestions.
Til Next Time,
Twitchy and wiggling in Ohio
All I Want for Christmas, or Labor Day Is My Two Front Teeth
My youngest grand baby is cutting his first tooth and trying to walk already..he is not even 8 months old yet! Do they have to grow up so fast? It seems like one day they are born, then next they are walking, then with in a week they are in college for Pete's sake. Where does the time go? I think each grand baby has grown faster than the one before. It is so wonderful to see the new things that they do, and the people they are growing up to be, I just wish they would do it a little more slowly.
There is not enough time in a day ? Shucks there is not enough time in a lifetime to try to remember all the cutsie stuff the kids and grand babies do.
By the time that era is over..you end up with old timers mind and can't remember what you had for breakfast let alone what the baby's first words were or what day they took their first step.
There is not enough time in a day ? Shucks there is not enough time in a lifetime to try to remember all the cutsie stuff the kids and grand babies do.
By the time that era is over..you end up with old timers mind and can't remember what you had for breakfast let alone what the baby's first words were or what day they took their first step.
I wish I could remember each and every "Special Moment" in my head as well as my heart.
It is such a warm, fuzzy feeling. And keep in mind.."FEELINGS JUST ARE".
Share your feelings with someone special today so you can remember the yesterdays.
Share them with me, I love to hear these stories.
Warm Wishes To All.
My Sister's First Visit
The doctor said they are going to have to do chemo like we thought. They are going to put some sort of port on my sister's arm since her veins are kind of weak. The port will keep her from having to be stuck with needles for every treatment. The doctor also said that she will lose her hair. While no one likes to hear something like this, I hope she can keep site of the alternative. Better she lose her hair than her life! I am really proud of how my niece and her family have been rallying around my sister. I think that will help her healing and morale more than anything.
I will elaborate more on this subject in another post.
Just right now there is a lot to take in, even for me. It is overwhelming.
God Bless All
Feelings Just Are
I will elaborate more on this subject in another post.
Just right now there is a lot to take in, even for me. It is overwhelming.
God Bless All
Feelings Just Are
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sisterly Feelings
I have to go with my older sister today to the oncologist. Well I do not HAVE to, I want to. I want to go to be with her and support her emotionally, but who really wants to go to the "cancer doctor"
Just the word cancer conjures up so many emotions in people; fear, anxiety, intrepidation. For me although going to any doctor is rarely fun, this trip is at least partially a good thing. Why is it a good thing you may ask? It is a good thing, because if my sister's doctor had not found her lump early, we might not have made it to this appointment!
So today is a good day!
Just the word cancer conjures up so many emotions in people; fear, anxiety, intrepidation. For me although going to any doctor is rarely fun, this trip is at least partially a good thing. Why is it a good thing you may ask? It is a good thing, because if my sister's doctor had not found her lump early, we might not have made it to this appointment!
So today is a good day!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Why Do I Feel Like This
Just when I think things are on track again...WHAM!!!! The other shoe drops.
I have a very dysfunctional family OK ! ALRIGHT ! I ADMIT IT !
But when do I get a break for crying-out-loud.
We have a situation of his, mine and our children and some adoptions took place to make all feel like a whole family.
This has been an ongoing battle of wits. Just how much can/should you do to make children feel whole and not like an alien.
It is hard enough just to raise a child leave alone be a shrink to figure everyone out.
Shucks, I am still trying to figure out what /who I wanna be and I am 60 years old.
Once again I have that huge lump in my stomach that tells me all is not right with the world.
And yet I have not verbal or documented proof as of this time...just that GUT FEELING.
A couple of weeks ago our youngest son (adopted by my husband) lost his biological dad to cancer.
Our son nor this sperm donor have had no contact for over 20+ years...and it was not that any of us were in hiding...heck we had been looking for the dead beat dad for years but none of his family would give up his whereabouts...for a lousy $20.00 a week child support...go figure.
NOW that he was on his death bed, all of the sudden I am supposed to pass on this info to my son so he can decide if he should go see him...oh just one more time before he dies.
OK, I passed on info as it really was not my decision to make for him.
He decided to see him and low and behold ALL WAS FORGIVEN !
NOT FROM ME THOUGH!
I am very moved that my our son could find it in his heart to be a good person in this situation, but somehow I turned into the unchristian type person per my daughter in law.
It is all well and good that they can feel better about themselves in this scenario, but they are not understanding that I protected Doug from a whole hell of a lot of grief.
In all actuality no child should have all the divorce bad news info anyhow...it was not their fault divorce happened.
But why would the children have the misconception that I could, would or should forgive and forget? I am the one with the deepest scars...hmmm...both physically and mentally.
This was the Jerk that would not provide food for the family, was both physically and mentally abusive and would not fork over a lousy $20 a week support. No he would rather go live in sunny Florida where by the way there was no extradition to Ohio for non support.
Most all of the ex's relatives live in our area and they knew right where we were...and any help from them? HECK NO...not even a Birthday card for the kid!~!!
Now I am supposed to be all forgiving and cheery and accepting ...I DON"T THINK SO!!!!
The kids did email me and let me know he passed away...I stated that I would not want anyone to pass away in great pain. that is as polite as I could be.
Then I find out they ALL went to see him at the hospice..including the Mother in Law...why?
I already resented the fact that the man got to see my grandchildren and my son after all those years of nothingness from him and then I read thru the grapevine that he had a military funeral with the 21 gun salute etc.
He was not in battle and yet he did serve his 4 years in the army as a water inspector for his group which was stationed in Germany...all the army stories I heard tell was how great the villagers could cook and who daughter they could get next to next. Not a thing about supporting or protecting our Country.
So excuse me if I don't get all teary eyed over his funeral.
I saw my grandson for 2 days after that and now I haven't heard a thing from them.
I email Happy Birthday to my son on his Birthday on Aug. 5, tried to call him and all I heard was person clearing their throat on the other end of the phone...I kept saying hello, hello...HELLO!
and no response...so I hung up and figured my son would call me...yeah sure...well here is that lump again right in my stomach...what the heck did "I" do now.
This almost seems like beating a dead horse sometimes.
I know church is important to allot of people, but I will not let anyone make me feel that they are better than me simply because they attend. That is not what church and the Lord are all about.
I think what good is in your heart is more important that what is spoken...your heart is real and believable words are intangible and who knows what truths or lies are being told.
Doesn't it seem that every time there is a divorce the victim pays and pays and pays.
Is there no end to the hurt...even in death?
Once again, FEELINGS JUST ARE.
I have a very dysfunctional family OK ! ALRIGHT ! I ADMIT IT !
But when do I get a break for crying-out-loud.
We have a situation of his, mine and our children and some adoptions took place to make all feel like a whole family.
This has been an ongoing battle of wits. Just how much can/should you do to make children feel whole and not like an alien.
It is hard enough just to raise a child leave alone be a shrink to figure everyone out.
Shucks, I am still trying to figure out what /who I wanna be and I am 60 years old.
Once again I have that huge lump in my stomach that tells me all is not right with the world.
And yet I have not verbal or documented proof as of this time...just that GUT FEELING.
A couple of weeks ago our youngest son (adopted by my husband) lost his biological dad to cancer.
Our son nor this sperm donor have had no contact for over 20+ years...and it was not that any of us were in hiding...heck we had been looking for the dead beat dad for years but none of his family would give up his whereabouts...for a lousy $20.00 a week child support...go figure.
NOW that he was on his death bed, all of the sudden I am supposed to pass on this info to my son so he can decide if he should go see him...oh just one more time before he dies.
OK, I passed on info as it really was not my decision to make for him.
He decided to see him and low and behold ALL WAS FORGIVEN !
NOT FROM ME THOUGH!
I am very moved that my our son could find it in his heart to be a good person in this situation, but somehow I turned into the unchristian type person per my daughter in law.
It is all well and good that they can feel better about themselves in this scenario, but they are not understanding that I protected Doug from a whole hell of a lot of grief.
In all actuality no child should have all the divorce bad news info anyhow...it was not their fault divorce happened.
But why would the children have the misconception that I could, would or should forgive and forget? I am the one with the deepest scars...hmmm...both physically and mentally.
This was the Jerk that would not provide food for the family, was both physically and mentally abusive and would not fork over a lousy $20 a week support. No he would rather go live in sunny Florida where by the way there was no extradition to Ohio for non support.
Most all of the ex's relatives live in our area and they knew right where we were...and any help from them? HECK NO...not even a Birthday card for the kid!~!!
Now I am supposed to be all forgiving and cheery and accepting ...I DON"T THINK SO!!!!
The kids did email me and let me know he passed away...I stated that I would not want anyone to pass away in great pain. that is as polite as I could be.
Then I find out they ALL went to see him at the hospice..including the Mother in Law...why?
I already resented the fact that the man got to see my grandchildren and my son after all those years of nothingness from him and then I read thru the grapevine that he had a military funeral with the 21 gun salute etc.
He was not in battle and yet he did serve his 4 years in the army as a water inspector for his group which was stationed in Germany...all the army stories I heard tell was how great the villagers could cook and who daughter they could get next to next. Not a thing about supporting or protecting our Country.
So excuse me if I don't get all teary eyed over his funeral.
I saw my grandson for 2 days after that and now I haven't heard a thing from them.
I email Happy Birthday to my son on his Birthday on Aug. 5, tried to call him and all I heard was person clearing their throat on the other end of the phone...I kept saying hello, hello...HELLO!
and no response...so I hung up and figured my son would call me...yeah sure...well here is that lump again right in my stomach...what the heck did "I" do now.
This almost seems like beating a dead horse sometimes.
I know church is important to allot of people, but I will not let anyone make me feel that they are better than me simply because they attend. That is not what church and the Lord are all about.
I think what good is in your heart is more important that what is spoken...your heart is real and believable words are intangible and who knows what truths or lies are being told.
Doesn't it seem that every time there is a divorce the victim pays and pays and pays.
Is there no end to the hurt...even in death?
Once again, FEELINGS JUST ARE.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
outsider
Did you ever feel like an outsider in your own family?
I do All the time.
Just when I think things are settled between me and my children, I feel they aren't.
I get very few calls from my son and it saddens me.
Seems as he and his family ( by the way, he is married with 3 children) always have time for her parents and include them in just about everything that goes on in their life, but they have little time for me.
We have always had a kinda mixed up family, his, mine and ours and it has been hard on all of us to keep our own identities and yet somehow live as a functional family unit.
When it comes time for holidays I try to take what ever time I am allotted in order not to cause any undue stress on anyone.
Wonder if it now makes me appear to not care or appear to be weak somehow.
That is not my intent. I just want all to have a happy and unstressed holiday season or birthday time.
I was not raised in a home where every birthday required a big bang up gala party and gifts.
So I guess it is still inbred in me.
But it is nice to be able to share some of the day with the birthday person.
Easter, Christmas etc., the same...it is not about the presents or such it is about family sharing time together and being a family.
I am not always good with putting my thoughts into words, heck I am lucking to get one lucid thought out at a time with all the voices and feeling that are going on in my head at one time.
No I am not hearing "those" kind of voices...just a whole bunch of anxiety thoughts in a row.
So now how do I handle this ...do I call and say ..."What is The Matter" or just call and say "HI, How is everyone" or email...which never gets answered ..hmmm wonder if they just delete or actually read it.
I guess I am the "In-Law" who is the "OUT-Law".
It is hard to try to share feelings also when you feel they will be used against you at a later time.
So again I appear to be uncaring....UUUUGGGHHHH !!!
Feelings Just Are.
I do All the time.
Just when I think things are settled between me and my children, I feel they aren't.
I get very few calls from my son and it saddens me.
Seems as he and his family ( by the way, he is married with 3 children) always have time for her parents and include them in just about everything that goes on in their life, but they have little time for me.
We have always had a kinda mixed up family, his, mine and ours and it has been hard on all of us to keep our own identities and yet somehow live as a functional family unit.
When it comes time for holidays I try to take what ever time I am allotted in order not to cause any undue stress on anyone.
Wonder if it now makes me appear to not care or appear to be weak somehow.
That is not my intent. I just want all to have a happy and unstressed holiday season or birthday time.
I was not raised in a home where every birthday required a big bang up gala party and gifts.
So I guess it is still inbred in me.
But it is nice to be able to share some of the day with the birthday person.
Easter, Christmas etc., the same...it is not about the presents or such it is about family sharing time together and being a family.
I am not always good with putting my thoughts into words, heck I am lucking to get one lucid thought out at a time with all the voices and feeling that are going on in my head at one time.
No I am not hearing "those" kind of voices...just a whole bunch of anxiety thoughts in a row.
So now how do I handle this ...do I call and say ..."What is The Matter" or just call and say "HI, How is everyone" or email...which never gets answered ..hmmm wonder if they just delete or actually read it.
I guess I am the "In-Law" who is the "OUT-Law".
It is hard to try to share feelings also when you feel they will be used against you at a later time.
So again I appear to be uncaring....UUUUGGGHHHH !!!
Feelings Just Are.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
JUST WHAT IS MY JOB ?!
Would someone please tell me what I am today...lol.
Let me see. Hmmm...I got up this morning, was drinking my coffee and thought for sure I was just a mommy and grandmother...then the mail came and I instantly turned into an accountant.
You know, where you get one of those notices where you owe a hospital or a doctor the amount equivalent to the National Debt !
Oh yes and you are also a telephone operator due to the fact that every phone you are given to call to correct the problem, just happens to be the wrong number or department...go figure.
So I finally get the right channel and the right person and BANG...anther problem....let me see...I don't remember what I had for supper last night and they want me to remember things from 4 years ago...yeah right!!!
So I somehow muddle through the questions, hmmm...taxes for 2004...taxes for 2005...2006, 2007 and 2008...how much did we make?...NOT ENOUGH TO FEED A CHURCH MOUSE.
Extra income...what the heck is that?!
Own a vacation property or a burial plot or life insurance policy...S U R E and Once Upon A Time.
Good Lord they don't want you to have a good time or be buried...they consider burial plot as extra real estate, CAN YAH BELIEVE THAT!
THIS AIN'T MONOPOLY...THIS IS REAL LIFE.
Do they think for one minute if we had 2 nickles to rub together, we would be begging for financial assistance !
So by this time the customer service rep and I are on first name basis, she had 2.3 kids is 24 years old, divorced once, bankrupt once and now does not have to move back home with parents...ok, fine...now let's get back to my problem...the $9864.72 you want me to get from where?
NOT TODAY LADY ! oh, and NOT TOMORROW.
WELL MAYBE THE NEXT DAY IF I SELL OUR YACHT...LOL, LOL
Let's get back to reality now. we have no insurance, no vacation homes, no burial plots, no extra monies, no nothing to spare...BROTHER CAN YAH SPARE A DIME ?
YES? REALLY ?! NO FOOLIN' !
WE are that poor we actually qualify for something to help us?
You're going to pay ALL of it and all I have t do is make one more phone call, but what's that...I can't do it til tomorrow.that office is closed for today!?
But they will help me tomorrow and YOU will remember that we spoke together today and Again straightened out all the financial details so we do get the help?
R I G H T !
OK Thanks for your help and ALL YOUR personal information, oh by the way, what did you say your social security number is....lol.
So with a sigh of some relief I will hang up and wait til morning and call the hospital customer accounts rep and start this all over again and tonight will have sweet dreams of where I can get my hands on $10,000.00
Have a wonderful day and KEEP THE FAITH.
Let me see. Hmmm...I got up this morning, was drinking my coffee and thought for sure I was just a mommy and grandmother...then the mail came and I instantly turned into an accountant.
You know, where you get one of those notices where you owe a hospital or a doctor the amount equivalent to the National Debt !
Oh yes and you are also a telephone operator due to the fact that every phone you are given to call to correct the problem, just happens to be the wrong number or department...go figure.
So I finally get the right channel and the right person and BANG...anther problem....let me see...I don't remember what I had for supper last night and they want me to remember things from 4 years ago...yeah right!!!
So I somehow muddle through the questions, hmmm...taxes for 2004...taxes for 2005...2006, 2007 and 2008...how much did we make?...NOT ENOUGH TO FEED A CHURCH MOUSE.
Extra income...what the heck is that?!
Own a vacation property or a burial plot or life insurance policy...S U R E and Once Upon A Time.
Good Lord they don't want you to have a good time or be buried...they consider burial plot as extra real estate, CAN YAH BELIEVE THAT!
THIS AIN'T MONOPOLY...THIS IS REAL LIFE.
Do they think for one minute if we had 2 nickles to rub together, we would be begging for financial assistance !
So by this time the customer service rep and I are on first name basis, she had 2.3 kids is 24 years old, divorced once, bankrupt once and now does not have to move back home with parents...ok, fine...now let's get back to my problem...the $9864.72 you want me to get from where?
NOT TODAY LADY ! oh, and NOT TOMORROW.
WELL MAYBE THE NEXT DAY IF I SELL OUR YACHT...LOL, LOL
Let's get back to reality now. we have no insurance, no vacation homes, no burial plots, no extra monies, no nothing to spare...BROTHER CAN YAH SPARE A DIME ?
YES? REALLY ?! NO FOOLIN' !
WE are that poor we actually qualify for something to help us?
You're going to pay ALL of it and all I have t do is make one more phone call, but what's that...I can't do it til tomorrow.that office is closed for today!?
But they will help me tomorrow and YOU will remember that we spoke together today and Again straightened out all the financial details so we do get the help?
R I G H T !
OK Thanks for your help and ALL YOUR personal information, oh by the way, what did you say your social security number is....lol.
So with a sigh of some relief I will hang up and wait til morning and call the hospital customer accounts rep and start this all over again and tonight will have sweet dreams of where I can get my hands on $10,000.00
Have a wonderful day and KEEP THE FAITH.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Why This Feeling
Did you ever have one of those days when you got up feeling really OK and then for no particular reason at all you have this terrible feeling of dread come over your entire being.
The day hasn't even started yet and all of the sudden...BAM!...an unexplained wave of yuck hits your chest area.
No one has said or done anything to annoy you or hassle you, but still the same...yah just don't feel like "Top 'O The Morning".
Wish I could figure out what does that to me...want it to stop!
I am not on any meds nor do I want to be on any meds.
Just want to be a happy Grandmother enjoying her grandchildren.
It makes it a little difficult to be happy all the time when one feels like this and sometimes I find myself being a bit snappish with the little darlings...not their fault...MOST of the time.
I guess it's just one of those cases of Feelings Just Are.
I suppose I will take a little time out, drink a little coffee, enjoy the sunshine and take time to chat with my maker and see if I can eliminate some of this icky feeling this morning.
Have a very sunny day and come visit me again sometime.
The day hasn't even started yet and all of the sudden...BAM!...an unexplained wave of yuck hits your chest area.
No one has said or done anything to annoy you or hassle you, but still the same...yah just don't feel like "Top 'O The Morning".
Wish I could figure out what does that to me...want it to stop!
I am not on any meds nor do I want to be on any meds.
Just want to be a happy Grandmother enjoying her grandchildren.
It makes it a little difficult to be happy all the time when one feels like this and sometimes I find myself being a bit snappish with the little darlings...not their fault...MOST of the time.
I guess it's just one of those cases of Feelings Just Are.
I suppose I will take a little time out, drink a little coffee, enjoy the sunshine and take time to chat with my maker and see if I can eliminate some of this icky feeling this morning.
Have a very sunny day and come visit me again sometime.
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